Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 9/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Great. But they never told me the one I got wrong. I have an idea, though. It's probably the one about median, mode, mean, etc.

Day-um!

Gotta tell ya'll. I don't follow sports much and I certainly don't go ga-ga over ballplayers but that Johnny Damon? Day-um! What a hunkabunk! With hair or out! Gotta go take cold shower now. Bye.

Please Make Them Go Away

Happy holidays, folks, and best wishes for the New Year!

Before we close the year out, however, there's something I need to get off my chest and hopefully, off the bodies of some poor souls who may not know any better. Yes, I am talking about fashion don'ts here.

What follows are Martta's 10 Fashion Pet Peeves which I hope will meet a quick demise in 2006:

1. Gaucho pants. Worn mostly by women, these are pants that couldn't decide whether they wanted to be shorts, culottes, or cropped pants. Instad, they hang right below a woman's knees which, according to most fashion gurus, is NOT the most attractive part of the body, certainly not a place to which you want to draw the eye. I don't care if you are are God's most perfect mammal, these simply do not look good on any body type. Ever.

2. Belly Shirts on People with, uh, Bellies. I don't care if you have more rolls than an Italian bakery, but I don't need them in my face 24/7 when I'm walking down the street or dining in the food court at the Mall of America. I'm sorry, but unless you have abs on which you can bounce a quarter, you are a making a fashion statement that is just not working.

3. Low Rise Jeans On...Oh, Just See #2. As with belly shirts, if you have 52-inch hips with love handles, I'd love for you to stop wearing these. Nuff said.

4. Underwear as Outerwear. Uh, there's a reason it's called underwear, folks. It's meant to be worn UNDER your clothes. I don't care how cute your bra is, I don't need to be looking at your nasty-ass straps in public. And men, the pants-hanging-off-the-ass look is so five minutes ago. If I want to see prison garb, I'll visit Riker's.

5. Men Who Wear Hats Indoors. Three things go through my mind when I see a guy (who is NOT a professional baseball player) in a baseball hat worn indoors: 1. Bald 2. Loser. 3. Bald Loser. Ditto for grown men who wear ski caps all year round. Unless you are 11 years old and building a snow fort, lose the hat, Dude.

6. Pointy-pointy shoes. I thought the Wicked Witch was dead.

7. Nine-inch Nails. No, I'm not talking about the band, whom I love. It's those let's-see-how-long-I-can-grow-them-before-I-poke-someone's-eye-out nails. Everyone is wondering: "How does she, uh, wipe herself?" Surely, you want people thinking different thoughts when you first meet.

8. Cowel-neck sweaters. It's not much that they look bad, it's that yours truly can never drape them correctly. Finally, out of desperation, I just give up and buy a regular turtleneck. How DO you fold those suckers?

9. More Than Two Face Piercings. One or two, I can handle but any more than that, you become a hazard on a fishing boat.

10. Multiple Tech Items Attached to Your Person. I often wonder, when I see someone wearing a cell phone, Blackberry, iPod, walkie-talkie, if they were buried tomorrow, how long would their half life be?

Michael McCrory, You Rock!

From today's Daily News:

Let's get along
Bayside: As a member of the majority of Americans who celebrate Christmas, I would like to make a deal with the liberal Grinches and their pals at the ACLU. Don't interfere with Christmas season this year, and I won't interfere with your "Terrorists Are People Too" campaign or the "Give a Pedophile a Chance" movement until after the new year.


Michael McCrory

Hovercraft

It's weird how things that happened to you years ago can just pop into your head in an instant.

The catalyst for today's tale was being stopped on 8th Avenue in New York City by a British tourist asking directions to the nearest subway. Her accent reminded me how much I miss England. Alas, the last time I was there was 1978! I'm sure that many things in London have changed since then, some for the better, some for the worse, but I would like to revisit one day.

One of my fondest memories of England was my free ride on the Hovercraft, from Brighton to Port Calais in France. But first a little background:

I was 20 years old, in my junior year at Syracuse University, studying art history abroad for 6 weeks. I was living with about 7 or 8 other young women in a flat in Kensington. Between classes, lectures and visits to various galleries and museums throughout London and its surroundings, we had considerable downtime to travel on our own. What a treat for a young woman who had never before been abroad much less by herself!

Anyway, on one particular day, a few of my flatmates and I went to Brighton. I was the only one from our group who actually dared to swim in the ocean, however. Everyone else complained that it was way too cold. Not me. I didn't want to travel back home across the Atlantic without having experienced the British version of the beach. It was very different than the beaches I had grown up with on the Jersey coast. For one thing, it was quieter and much more civilized. No boom boxes blaring, no trash scattered about. The downside is that instead of soft sandy beaches, you had hard pebbles. Pity the poor feet! That took some getting used to but eventually I did.

After the beach, we went and had lunch at a fish and chips place. At this junction, my flatmates wanted to go shopping. I wanted to continue exploring so we parted ways. Continuing down to the dock area, I noticed a big commotion. I asked someone what was going on and he replied, "Free Hovercraft rides!"

Now I didn't know the difference between a Hovercraft and Hoover vacuum cleaner. From this same gent, I learned that the Hovercraft was basically a HUGE vessel with an inflatable bottom and a helicopter-like contraption on top. I had never seen anything like it before and neither had most of the Brits. Normal travel time across the channel to France was about 2 hours by boat. With the Hovercraft, it was 1/2 an hour! And, they were offering free rides. Why not?, I asked myself.

There was one little problem, however. Being a dopey kid, I had neglected to take my U.S. Passport with me that day. Granted, the world was a very different place back in 1978 and most of time, you could safely travel around England without having your bag or person checked every hour. However, this was travel to another country. If your were not a citizen of the U.K., you needed a passport to ride the Hovercraft to France.

I bemoaned my lot to the kind man who had given me a lesson about the Hovercraft. "I guess I can't go," I said. "I forgot my passport." His words to me: "Keep your mouth shut." Excuse me? Was he all of a sudden being surly to me? "With your red hair and green eyes, you look like you could be from Ireland. As long as you don't open your mouth to speak, you should be fine. Get in line."

I did as he said and sure enough, I was passed through, no questions asked! This was amazing!

I enjoyed the Hovercraft ride immensely (as well as my newfound status as an Irish citizen). The ride was incredible, albeit a bit bumpy, but truth be told, we made it to Port Calais in half an hour.

So, that's how I got to visit France for a day, even though it was not part of my original itinerary.