Guess You Had to Be There

From a friend of mine in The Lone Star State, on Cinco de Mayo:

I’m a failure. The biggest drinking day in the Southwest and it came to nothing. Nada.
I didn’t wake up in another town in a stall with a donkey, a broken piñata, two hookers, used condoms [ribbed, for her pleasure], half a twelve pack of Modelo Especial, empty margarita pitchers and a film crew from Telemundo.

Maybe I have high standards. This is subject to debate.

Instead, I woke up this morning in my own bed, alone.
Next year, I will plan better.