Games Mommies Play

When I was in junior high, we had a Book Fair at our school every year where you could basically purchase books that were outside of the school curriculum. Since I was and still am an avid reader, I looked forward to the Book Fair and always went home with about five new purchases.

I still have many of those books but the one that STILL makes me laugh was a delightful little book called, Games Christians Play: An Irreverant Guide to Religion Without Tears, by Judi Culbertson and Patti Bard (1967: Harper & Row, NYC). Yes, the pages are yellowed and the glue from the binding has long dried up but it's still a classic. Here's a sampling of some of the chapter titles:

Holding the Fort Against Heresy
What to Do When You Know More Than the Minister
Instant Status Games

Included in the last one, there's a section called, "My Bible's More Underlined Than Yours."

I bring this up because today we have a new type of evangelism that is sweeping the nation. No, it's not a religion but its fervor might certainly be compared to one. It's called Mommyism or Mommy-anity, take your pick.

Simply put, if I hear about one more web site or TV show devoted to Alpha Moms (I STILL don't know what that term really means), I'm gonna barf.

Instead of "My Bible Is More Underlined Than Yours," the underlying message of many of these web sites is:

My Child Is Brighter Than Yours
My Child Is Prettier Than Yours
My Child Dresses Better Than Yours
My Child's Nanny Is Better Than Yours
My Child Goes to a Better School Than Yours
Hey, I'm Just a Better Mommy Than You'll Ever Be, So Just Go Stick Your Head in the Oven Right Now and We'll Call It a Day!

You get my drift.

But getting back to the concept of the Alpha Mom: What the hell IS that? I know what the Alpha Male Gorilla is (he's the one that gets to screw all the Alpha Female Gorillas) and even the Alpha Girl Teenager (she's usually the meanest girl in school) and the Alpha Boy Teenager (usually a jock who gets all the girls).

By designating herself as the Alpha Mom, this mommy is saying that she's a better mommy than you and you might as well suck it up now. She's the Internet version of the old playground Yenta Mom or Buttinsky Mom who ALWAYS has a better way of doing things, "Why do you give your daughter Brand X juice? Don't you know that Brand Y is better for her?" or "Your kid didn't get into Montessori? Shame!" You know the type.

My own mother certainly knew the type and would have very little to do with them and would laugh behind their backs.

My mom was a great mom, before the term Alpha Mom was coined. Unfortunately, she passed away in 1992 and so Mother's Day is always a little sad for me.

She didn't have Internet access (she didn't even have a college degree but was one of the smartest people I've ever known) but she knew what to do when one of us got the flu, a fever or a bad tummyache. There was no "Alpha Mom TV" back then but my mom somehow instilled in us the drive to do our best in school, in sporting activities, and with creative outlets.

She also knew when we were lying or bullshitting her and would not let us get away with it. We learned at an early age that our actions had consequences.

My mom, like many moms since the dawn of time, would occasionally compare notes on childrearing over coffee with my aunts or other moms in the neighborhood. No one thought this was worthy of media attention or a full-length feature in The New York Times.

So, why is it now? Why are there so many Mommy (or Daddy as the case may be) blogs? NEWS FLASH: Your kid's teething is not that unusual. Your kid throwing up is not only not unusual, it's gross and I don't need to be reading about it over my morning coffee. Ditto for pooping!

Two years ago, I found a wonderful bumper sticker for times like this. I bought two actually, one is at work and one is on the shelf in my home office. It reads, "My Labrador Retriever Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student."

Take that, Alpha Moms!